In the early morning hours of Friday, August 2, our beloved Loretta died peacefully after a brief illness. In her last few days, Loretta was surrounded by close friends who offered their love and support and the dedicated staff at the Houses of Providence who cared for her for the past two years.
For over 40 years, Loretta was a member of L’Arche Daybreak and L’Arche Toronto living at the Big House, Green House, and Simpson House where she supported other core members (persons with disabilities) with tenderness and care, formed dozens of assistants in how to listen to and respect the people they support, welcomed many guests, and contributed her gifts and abilities to help create a vibrant community for all.
Loretta was a faithful member of the CORE day program and Our Lady of Lourdes parish. She enjoyed spending time with friends, travel, dancing, taking part in music and cultural festivals, and watching Y&R and the Blue Jays. Loretta loved animals especially her beloved Tony, the cat. Loretta’s presence in our lives brought much joy, and her feisty spirit will forever be a part of our community.
The words that Marian DeCouto and John Guido shared at Loretta’s funeral are below.
Words of Remembrance
By Marian DeCouto
I met Loretta 13 years ago when I moved into Simpson house, as a young 21-year-old assistant. During these years, Loretta carried herself with a grounded wisdom. She knew what she needed to be well. She was grounded in her community and in herself. Her steadiness in routine and in friendships allowed Loretta ease to live a life full of joy. That is how I remember Loretta – a woman who lived so full of joy despite the incredible adversity she had experienced in her life; she was the life of the party, she was ready to always break it down on the dance floor, she was a welcoming housemate but don’t mess with her cups or her spoons.
Loretta’s circle gave Loretta exceptional care, and this care was passed to the house team. I remember when April was orienting me to Loretta, she made a metaphor of a can of diet coke to explain Loretta’s emotional processing. She said, imagine Loretta throughout her day; in the morning, she gets on the 504, someone looks at her strangely, and the can of diet coke get shaken, she gets to CORE and someone sits in her spot, that can of diet coke gets shaken a bit more, maybe someone at core says something to her that she doesn’t like, and the can of diet coke gets shaken a bit more, by the time that Loretta gets home, the can of diet coke is ready to explode. Likewise, Loretta has spent the whole day containing her frustrations, when she arrives home, her heart to heart is a contained space to process, to transition from being out in the world to being home. Heart to Heart became a powerful space for Loretta to land and to be grounded with the support of an assistant. Heart to heart was a space where Loretta could scream into a pillow, share her frustrations, and let it all go. It gave her autonomy in herself and in her relationships – she would advocate for what she needed. We would often ask, what do you need right now? This grounding routine supported Loretta to be well, which gave space to leading a life of joy.
When I think of a joyful Loretta, I think of all the little day-to-day moments of living with Loretta. The joy of calling her friends to ask, “you, me and I can go for a movie?” “Can you come pick me up?” “When can I come for dinner?” and without a doubt all of Loretta’s friends followed through on her requests for time together. Loretta always joined in for kitchen dance parties, where we belted glee songs, katy perry, Elvis or Grease while cleaning up after dinner. Loretta took joy in her Wednesday cook nights, leading Sunday house meetings, celebrating birthday parties and anniversaries. Loretta was a leader in organizing outings for the house, she loved Jay’s games, summer holidays, going out for dinner, Niagara Falls, summer festivals. She had an adventurous spirit. One weekend Loretta and I went to L’Arche London to visit with Mary Bee and my friend Michelle who was an assistant. On the Saturday night, we went to an open mic at a gallery space. It was around midnight, when we were driving home in a snow blizzard and Katy Perry’s Roar song came on the radio, it happened to be one of her 4 songs at the time, Loretta increased the volume and we were all singing, dancing and jamming in the car together, the joy was palpable. Loretta’s joy was palpable, her joy was grounded in being together, being in community together and experiencing this life with the people around her.
As it became clear that Loretta’s dementia journey was beginning, the world shut down. Loretta’s home that used to be a vibrant home of dance parties, outings, dinner guests, and joy became isolated. Loretta, being sensitive to the environment around her, receded to being on the couch under her blanket. At moments, it was clear that Loretta was being pulled into memories of Huronia – I remember feeling angry that after so many years of a life lived full of light and joy that at this stage of life, those were the memories that consumed her, that she had to relive that abuse. I decided to lean into the spaces where Loretta enjoyed, Loretta spent most of her final summer at Simpson on the front porch and was joined by many of her friends.
When Loretta’s language began to decrease, a phrase that persisted was “I love you”. She would look right at you and say I love you. Loretta’s former boundaries with her friends and assistants didn’t allow for her to say I love you directly to people. But in her dementia, this I love you showed us all that her love for her people was always the foundation. That Loretta was truly able to reach healthy, beautiful, loving relationships, that even though she couldn’t directly say “I love you” to people before, she felt that love deeply and it was always there.
Loretta taught me how to love; a love that isn’t high or low, a love that is even Stephen; a love that isn’t push or pull, but a love that is supported by community; a love that requires regular heart to hearts; a love that lets you share your pain; a love that is filled with dance parties; a love that is joyful and a love that grounds you to live your life fully.
Rest in peace, Loretta Young.
Words of Remembrance
By John Guido
Last Friday, the day Loretta died, Mary Egan and I met with Brittany at the funeral home. Among other tasks, we needed to fill out the death certificate. Mary had all the information needed until we got to the question of Loretta’s occupation. We knew that Loretta worked for many years at ARC Industries in Richmond Hill and at the “Morphy Centre” which became CORE in Toronto. But what is the occupation of someone working in a sheltered workshop or day program? We were stumped. It got me thinking of the job trial Loretta had at a Cultures restaurant in Toronto. Loretta had learned how to take the TTC with Kim, and she was good at bussing tables, and she was hardworking and friendly, so at first, it looked promising. But then she became focused on one of the regular customers. This type of focus was a significant issue she was working on, but things quickly got out of hand. It was clear that a job in the wider community was not safe. It was a lesson for us all that for Loretta to be well, she needed structured support not available in most workplaces.
The three years I lived with Loretta in the early 1990s was a transformative period in her life. I had known Loretta for several years and was aware that she had a traumatic childhood that included foster homes and institutions. She struggled with mental health issues and acted out when things got to be too much for her. Yet I also knew Loretta as a woman of great courage and resilience, seeking help to face her demons. And as a woman with an enormous heart who spoke up for her quieter friends like Maurice, Carol, Janice, and Peter. And when she was well, Loretta was just a fun person to be with who had a wry sense of humour and openness to welcome us just as we are.
With Cheryl Zinyk, Loretta moved to Simpson House the year before I did. We were all coming from Daybreak’s hub in suburban Richmond Hill to open a new chapter in our lives, seeking to spread our wings in the city. For Loretta, personal transformation was only possible as she let go of seeking a woman to heal her childhood wound and learned to be a mother for ‘little Loretta’ -the sweet, vulnerable part of herself who deserved to be cared for and cherished. Of course, the path of healing is not smooth and there were some major bumps in the road. But working closely with her wise, caring therapist, Penelope, we learned to put structures in place like the daily Heart-to-Heart talk where Loretta could process what she was living and begin taking charge of her life. We created processes where she could make good “choices and decisions” like how short to cut her hair and what colour it would be, getting her first tattoo, and even taking a Taekwondo course for a few weeks. Loretta began to accept the consequences of her decisions and learn from them. Then Melrose Place came on the air! We began her television journal to help her separate the fictional world of her soaps from her own life and learn from the terrible choices these characters were making.
As she moved from seeking one person to save her to several people to give the consistent support she needed, Loretta blossomed. She became a strong self-advocate, but never stopped speaking up for friends like Jillian who didn’t always have a voice. There were memorable holidays seeing new places and meeting old friends, and countless ordinary meals and quiet times where her sly wit and wonderful expressions always delighted. But my most vibrant memory of those years was all the dancing- in the van, around the dining room table, at Crocodile Rock and other clubs, and music and cultural festivals like Caribana. Loretta’s dancing allowed her true colours to shine through imbued with heart and soul. Hers was a dance of liberation and communion.
Loretta became my companion in the journey of my transformation. She taught me that it was okay to need other people. And with a little help from my friends and some wise professionals, I became the father to that sweet, vulnerable little boy within me. Loretta encouraged and supported me as I took up running, began dating, danced in public (though never as good as Loretta), and most importantly embraced myself as I am with all my gifts and limitations.
I think I’ve finally settled on a name for Loretta’s occupation… Loretta was an influencer – not on social media but in the real world of home, friendship, and community. Loretta influenced many of us to discover what it means to be truly human; to recognize our need for others so we can care for and embrace ourselves; to grow in personal autonomy and freedom through connection and relationships of mutual care and respect; and to live with the joy that comes from knowing that we belong and are loved – just as we are.
